The Gift
Insight on the riverbank
And then it came to me. On the air, in the movement of my running body, alongside the river, the truth of it, the necessity of it, and the gift in it.
For all my weeks of non-acceptance, or resisting, of wrestling to understand and fight reality, I was at once freed by gracious insight. A collapse of the rigid brickwork structure of attempted rationalising, a blowing apart of the footings, opening up into a simple series of perfect stepping stones, fading into the horizon of my future.
A luminance of clear sight, an eruption of gratitude in seeing the beautiful truth in it.
It wasn’t done to me or against me, it was all for me. I needed this, this intervention. Your intervention. You saved me from myself. How then can there be anything remaining but deep gratitude for your courage in speaking what I could not, could not even look at, did not want to see?
Reaching an impasse
It wasn’t working. In time we weren’t happy. We probably weren’t good for each other, even in the giddy haze of our genuine love and care for each other. We had become lost – from each other, but worse, from ourselves. I had lost myself. Therein was my pain: I missed me. I ached. I ached for the connection with myself.
I knew it. Knew it. Knew I wasn’t happy. Yet I lacked the courage to call it. I was so afraid to lose you. Beautiful, kind, wonderful you, who I love. I wanted so much for this to work. If this couldn’t work, what then?
For your courage, through the gift of your remarkable intervention, in speaking the truth of that moment – “We’re at an impasse, we’re done” – I have been broken open and fallen back into myself.
The ultimate gift
Initially frightening, dizzying, spiralling – I have relaxed into this new cadence, this dance with life. I have new sight, and renewed purpose. I can see again. You have reconnected me with my soul’s purpose – the ultimate gift – and in this I am emptied out of all but deep appreciation for what you gave me. I can see the way again – the next stepping stone of my life.
For some weeks, I fought to stay asleep, to not see, to not be confronted, with the inevitable truth we each must face in our time: It’s YOU. Only you. You are the creator of your life, and you have been tasked with the sole mission of creating your life and yourself as beautiful. OWN YOUR POWER in this creation and stop looking outside of yourself to another. You are here only to give love to others, not to be swaddled and reassured endlessly. It is time to grow up.
Selfless giving
In those week’s of fighting, before grace freed me, as I was running along the riverbank, I was wretched and desperately grasping for some stronghold. Free-falling and railing. In your selfless devotion, you remained my friend and my strength in my needy, messy state.
You owed me nothing, yet you walked beside me, holding both your grief and mine. I don’t know how to thank you for showing me the meaning of selfless giving in love. Thank you for travelling with me, for shining enough of your light that I wasn’t swallowed. As I lay on the sweet, wet earth, on the ground in my garden, wanting only to go home. Pleading to go home. You held me, you breathed me.
You honoured every fickle change of mood and request of mine in the final weeks of our tearing apart, with the utmost integrity and love, as I, scrabbling, navigated the landscape of my own grief. I’ll be forever grateful that you guided me through this time when you didn’t have to.
Honouring you
I still understand nothing. I can’t piece together why it didn’t work or what could have been done differently. But that is no longer the question. The question is what did I ever do to deserve the time we shared? In this I am beyond blessed. The question too is how I live my life going forward, in honour of all that you gave me and showed me. How to honour us, you, to give back all that I have received. This is now my only preoccupation. In this way I give my thanks to you.
Note: For readers going through a breakup and not presently experiencing grace and freedom such as I describe here, please be assured this is absolutely OK and quite normal. The above relieving insight was not the only experience and energy that rocked through me during this time – deep grief, anger, confusion, hope, peace, empowerment, pain – all and more visited. A commitment to embrace the myriad of powerful feelings that showed up through me was one of the many gifts and strengths I took from this experience.
